I hate change at least when it seems like it is changing for the worse, or maybe not for the worse but more so that I have times where I am really happy especially with how my life is going and then something beyond my control happens and I just feel blah. Last year was intense. For the first time ever I was really comfortable in my skin. I was the happiest I had been in as long as I could remember. I was on top of the word. My world came crashing down. Everything changed at like once. I guess I decided to be in denial that my friends were graduating, and even though I watched it happen it didn't hit me until I moved into an apartment with people I barely knew, and all my best friends weren't there. Even if they were in town, they had big kid jobs and lives and more important stuff. It just sucked. Then I realized that I didn't like where I was going with my life. I just wasn't happy. On top of that I was coming to terms with some stuff that I had been ignoring and in denial of for a while.
Well all that denial crap is out the window. My friends are graduated, and well the other stuff... I'm trying to accept it, hard but if i can accept it, maybe I'll be able to talk about it with people and it will help me feel better about it.
I wish I could say friendships formed overnight. I guess a few of mine have, but for the most part they take time. I hate that time. I just want to feel close to people that I am around all the time, like my roommates. Trouble with that is it takes time and sometimes you just need that closeness right away.
I don't feel that openness or closeness with a lot of people right now. Its probably because I am shutting down a lot more and going back to my old ways of bottling all my emotions up, but that is how i learned to cope with life. My family NEVER talked about anything important. It's weird because my parent have expectations, so when I make a decision I get scared to tell them because I don't want to disappoint them, but at the same time they don't tell me what they are thinking.
Another thing I have begun to notice about myself is that I always want to make other people happy, yet most of the time by doing so I sacrifice my own happiness. Then I get Mopey, depressed, resentful, and eventually just flat out angry. Anger does not look pretty on me either. I become a complete and total Bitch. If you can't picture it especially since I like never do anything wrong (haha right?!). I am the problem kid in my family. Maybe my sister just had the advantage of always seeing me in trouble so she didn't get caught or do anything wrong, but i was definitely the bad kid. I talked back, didn't listen, told my parent I hated them multiple times. I was stubborn as hell and was always in trouble. I even got kicked out of the house a few times as I got older. I don't think my sister has even been grounded. But most of the time when I got in trouble was because I was pissed and just didn't give a rat's ass.
I've noticed too that I am becoming more in touch with some emotions, although not necessarily good ones. Jealousy: jealous of friendships and relationships people have. Because of my jealousy I get lonely. Sadly I can be alone and be perfectly fine, better than fine actually. Its when I'm in a room of people and I feel so disconnected from them all that I feel lonely. Then I get angry, that other people are happy and I'm not and I want to throw stuff and punch stuff. Then I get sad, cry it all out and I feel happy for a day, hour, usually something short compared to the rest of the cycle. Then I want to talk to people, but I always end up listening to them, and I love that because I really want everyone around me to be happy, but I'm the type of person that I don't want to burden people with my problems when they have stuff going on because I feel like there problems are worse so I bottle everything up, and start over.
As much as i love technology, I hate chatting online, I hate texting, I hate talking on the phone. All I want to do is be around people (ironically the song you're not alone by Meredith Andrews just came on my Pandora sometimes God ticks me off when he makes the song I need to hear come on at just the right time because i'm too damn stubborn to listen to anything else and now the words I would say came on ). Lost my train of thought.... grrrrrr.... guess I'm done.
I just want to say I hate that it seems like I'm complaining in this and that I'm really not trying to I jut need to get this out. If you read it all, thanks. I really just needed to put my thoughts into something outside of my mind.
