Needed to get this all out.

I hate change at least when it seems like it is changing for the worse, or maybe not for the worse but more so that I have times where I am really happy especially with how my life is going and then something beyond my control happens and I just feel blah. Last year was intense. For the first time ever I was really comfortable in my skin. I was the happiest I had been in as long as I could remember. I was on top of the word. My world came crashing down. Everything changed at like once. I guess I decided to be in denial that my friends were graduating, and even though I watched it happen it didn't hit me until I moved into an apartment with people I barely knew, and all my best friends weren't there. Even if they were in town, they had big kid jobs and lives and more important stuff. It just sucked. Then I realized that I didn't like where I was going with my life. I just wasn't happy. On top of that I was coming to terms with some stuff that I had been ignoring and in denial of for a while.

Well all that denial crap is out the window. My friends are graduated, and well the other stuff... I'm trying to accept it, hard but if i can accept it, maybe I'll be able to talk about it with people and it will help me feel better about it.

I wish I could say friendships formed overnight. I guess a few of mine have, but for the most part they take time. I hate that time. I just want to feel close to people that I am around all the time, like my roommates. Trouble with that is it takes time and sometimes you just need that closeness right away.

I don't feel that openness or closeness with a lot of people right now. Its probably because I am shutting down a lot more and going back to my old ways of bottling all my emotions up, but that is how i learned to cope with life. My family NEVER talked about anything important. It's weird because my parent have expectations, so when I make a decision I get scared to tell them because I don't want to disappoint them, but at the same time they don't tell me what they are thinking.

Another thing I have begun to notice about myself is that I always want to make other people happy, yet most of the time by doing so I sacrifice my own happiness. Then I get Mopey, depressed, resentful, and eventually just flat out angry. Anger does not look pretty on me either. I become a complete and total Bitch. If you can't picture it especially since I like never do anything wrong (haha right?!). I am the problem kid in my family. Maybe my sister just had the advantage of always seeing me in trouble so she didn't get caught or do anything wrong, but i was definitely the bad kid. I talked back, didn't listen, told my parent I hated them multiple times. I was stubborn as hell and was always in trouble. I even got kicked out of the house a few times as I got older. I don't think my sister has even been grounded. But most of the time when I got in trouble was because I was pissed and just didn't give a rat's ass.

I've noticed too that I am becoming more in touch with some emotions, although not necessarily good ones. Jealousy: jealous of friendships and relationships people have. Because of my jealousy I get lonely. Sadly I can be alone and be perfectly fine, better than fine actually. Its when I'm in a room of people and I feel so disconnected from them all that I feel lonely. Then I get angry, that other people are happy and I'm not and I want to throw stuff and punch stuff. Then I get sad, cry it all out and I feel happy for a day, hour, usually something short compared to the rest of the cycle. Then I want to talk to people, but I always end up listening to them, and I love that because I really want everyone around me to be happy, but I'm the type of person that I don't want to burden people with my problems when they have stuff going on because I feel like there problems are worse so I bottle everything up, and start over.

As much as i love technology, I hate chatting online, I hate texting, I hate talking on the phone. All I want to do is be around people (ironically the song you're not alone by Meredith Andrews just came on my Pandora sometimes God ticks me off when he makes the song I need to hear come on at just the right time because i'm too damn stubborn to listen to anything else and now the words I would say came on ). Lost my train of thought.... grrrrrr.... guess I'm done.

I just want to say I hate that it seems like I'm complaining in this and that I'm really not trying to I jut need to get this out. If you read it all, thanks. I really just needed to put my thoughts into something outside of my mind.

My obsessive searching abilities

i spend way too much time searching stuff like celebrities adn theories and jobs and all that jazz yeah that's me

Famous People

There is just something about famous people. I don't know what it is but i love them. If the same people were not celebrities (not all but) a good chunk of them would be the exact type of people that i usually don't get a long with. I don't know if i want to be like them (though its not likely to happen cuz i lack talent in like every area) or just be around them. it would be cool to just be friends with them, like best friends. i've been having a lot of dreams about being friends with celebrities (both while i am awake and my day dreams) and pretty much what i have come to is that i want to meet a bunch of celebrities in my lifetime don't know how, when, and again how but its going to happen. :)

Skins: American vs the Original British

On a whim about a month ago I added skins to my netflix queue. I had seen previews for the american version on mtv mainly on the days that my friends would convince me to join them in one of their rooms to watch jersey shore. and if you are thinking jersey shore really you watch that, i'll get back to that later. Well after seeing all the previews i wanted to tune but after jersey shore my friends would turn some red carpet rate what they are wearing show on and wanting to stay and hang out or if it was during the time where i only let myself watch one tv show a day i usually did not get the chance to watch skins. I just figured hey i'll catch it some other time when mtv airs it like a million times like every other show they have. Well boy was i wrong (i'll get to that one later too). I never really saw it and then i forgot about it until i came across the uk version on netflix. After it sitting there in my queue for a coupe of weeks i decided what the heck i'm bored i'm going to watch this. Now, it was good, but nothing i was super excited about (probably because there were time were i just did not flat out understand what they were saying, both countries may speak english but british english and american english are two very different things). That very same night i decided to watch the first episode of the american version. it was EXACTLY the same except minor things like name changes and that the gay guy maxxie was now a lesbian named tea (pronounces tay-ah not like tea the drink if anyone wanted to know), but for some reason it caught my interest more than the uk version, possibly scratch that definitely  because the slang they were talking in was american slang and i understood it (sidebar wanker is the british word for jackoff or douchebag just though you would like to know). so i decided i was going to watch one episode of the uk version and one of the american back and forth and compare. it turns out that the second episode was different and then i looked up the names of each series (each episode conveniently named after the person it was about) and the were all jumbled up. Well two episodes was enough to get me hooked I started to feel a connection to the characters and watch every episode of the show (american that is) in less than 48 hours. I then went to look up when season 2 was coming out and was OBSESSIVELY dissapointed and sad and everything when i found out that they had cancelled the show (stay tuned the reason why to come). So i went back to watching the uk version and its good i can see why soooooooo many people love it but there is one thing missing. TEA! she was my favorite character. absolutely loved her so i can get my skins fill but not my tea fill because maxxie and tea although similar just aren't the same (another random sidebar just read that and read tea fill like the drink tea and now i want my theolo-tea fill).

So here's what i have come to.
1. American don't appreciate good tv the reasons why i say this
     a. every good show i watch gets cancelled every bad acting cheesey show i watch stays on for at least 4     seasons (not to say there aren't some good shows i watch/watched one tree hill ER friends that have lasted )
     b. good shows that have equal numbers of viewers to the bad ones (Jersey shore)  and is about pretty much the same thing (partying and having sex) get cancelled (because of an MA rating mtv can't play it millions and millions of times until people want to tear their eyes out if they even flip by that channel and see the same episode on again)
     c. Reality shows in general (all the same all we need is one like every year and we'd be fine)

so if you can't tell i'm bitter because i want to watch TEA but at least they know what's good in the uk so if you can stand to watch a show that is a little racier and pushing limits check it out... both american and uk versions

and to mtv if you wanna get away from the reality tv scene why would you cancel a good show but keep all the crappy ones (even if i occasionally watch them) and create new shows just like them (teen mom 2) it just doesn't make sense to me but whatevs i'm just an obsessive person that doesn't have any effect on tv any ways but maybe one day tv will be better filled with less of the same old things (well i can dream can't I)

This week's obsession: soccer

Ever fall into a period where you just obsess and obsess over something? Well, that's pretty much the story of my life, and lately that something is soccer. It probably has to do with the women's world cup and the success of the us women's national team but call up the band wagon cuz I'm jumping on. Watching the world cup made me realize how much i really miss soccer. I've played softball, basketball, volleyball, and soccer in a many different leagues  ran cross country for my high school, played pick up games of Frisbee, football, and quite a few rounds of mini gold, and have come to realize that soccer was always my favorite sport. Around the time i was like 12-15 it probably seemed otherwise. I was on a softball track. I was playing in multiple different leagues and I even ha d a couch that was working just with me on my catching. I was getting good, and I loved it, but i wasn't as good as others so i didn't get to play. Thus the point of all my extra training was gone. I quit softball after that year and i could have quit sooner to play soccer at my high school but by that point i was already on the softball team and i'm not a quitter, but really what difference does a season make. I couldn't play quinsippi anymore and none of my friends played soccer so i didn't have people to play indoor with so it was good bye soccer. 

Something about watching that world cup final game brought all of this back out of me. I spent hours researching players, team , the season and of course i found out that most of my new favorite players are playing this week (tonight actually). Unfortunately soccer isn't really aired in the us especially women's pro soccer. This, game however, after much talk on twitter, became sold out and then picked up by fox soccer channel which means after me searching for like 10 hours to find where i could watch the game i could finally watch it! Score! but then i don't have fox soccer and i couldn't find anyone who did. Major bummer. I had pretty much given up  and i was just browsing the women's pro soccer website www.womensprosoccer.com check it out when i found where it was going to be webcast. 

So i'm pumped the game starts in about an hour and i'm watching it and hopefully watch the rest of the games this season except when i am in italy... the one down side of going... So if you are still reading this. This has been one of my many obsessions this week and i'm sure this whole thing was more than you needed to know and completely random. So the point of this Americans should jump on the women's pro soccer bandwagon we need more appreciation for women's sports in the US otherwise what do little girls have to dream about.